Author Archives: hawaiianarchists

Waking During The Night Of The Eclipse

Poem:
Waking During The Night Of The Eclipse

Introductory Remarks
“That song is called ‘Oh shadow’”
She steps off the blanket and into the gloom
What is rarer, woven baskets, red plaster?
Here, listen, I will tell you your doom
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Image
A boon from the king of the sea
The older sibling of your past given up
From the bosom of a deep water roiling
You take them in your hands and they shrink to a figurine

Screaming in the air of the plantation
A hot fire cooking the sky as it falls
In the dusk of the highlands south of the cold
Where one’s breath is usually so humid

And one more place, this, the hall
In a mountain a gathering, a company of kings
A hidden room, full of images without life
Whose eyes you don’t usually see

But here are their eyes:
They know the world is an ocean.
They breathe air like they’re choking on fire.
And sadly and quietly they tell you they must
Draw their sword if you are to live.

Many kings, right? Is this how much you love them?
Enough to grab their arm and stay them from hell?
Enough that when they lock jaws and regard you
Your eyes bite on theirs and their faces go pale?
Or resistant and languorous; lush, hateful, hale…

Portent
Dismiss this, fair one, young one of poor hand
Once, climbing across a board of father’s make we turned from each other
And hear this, Lord Duchess wyvern, stick-brittle tree
Twice did I look upon you, and here- what I see:

1. Gathered together all fruits of your harvest
The famine comes in the form of a plague
A weathered face grows white in the moonlight
Of the lamp of cracked chalk and old age.

2. Or cloistered in holy! So there’s this, there’s this too
On the wall, mural, blood; voice of wind.
Demure you walk, hands together, you listen, you grin
As the spirit lover of your spirit teases you.

Challenge
Smoke the ash and be given: a river of truth
It is this: that our land is assailed.
One awake wakes at last. Yes this, always last…
Waking always, always… Your head rolls!

– One guess, prophetess, as to the festering mass
Of morning clouds overshadowing the moon…
– One guess, prophetess, as to the path through the dream
That you took as you slept, for you know…

That these maps to the living
They are writ knowing love
Yet you wake to the smoke
Of a death, dark above…
What is this… What is this…

I will tell you:
It is this, sister, flesh, and this I will say
And saying it once I will go on my way.
I will leave.
When you’ve woken to darkness you’ve woken to life.

When you’ve woken to day you believe.

journaling 4

went on a date with the witch. it was fuckin horrible. teeth rotting out of my head. my sister, who i love like no one but my dead twin, is pissed at me, cause i’m gonna get a fucking motorcycle, which is what my dad died on six months ago. i stopped fucking caring. not about my dad, just – these people. who do they think i am? they don’t care, and you know what, i don’t either. i miss skye. i crippled my arm getting high as shit at a bacchanal. it’ll be weeks or so before it’s better. teach her how to read tarot, when what i really want is to get married – to someone, anyone. a girl. a womyn. didn’t mean for the date to go so shitty, but i got too stoned.

2. getting too stoned is the cause of all my problems. i love you. wrong: volcano.

3. made a potion today. a little witchcraft a day keeps the demons away. i might be the craziest, but you fuckers are certainly pretty fuckin crazy.

4. need money.

5. can’t go into the ‘treatment’ program until i get my affairs in order at the beginning of next month. fuck everyone.

-finis-

never again

never fight
for a girl
again,
angel.

the four sacred things are good.
and womyn are for more than children.
and means are still sad in the light of the more fair.
and i still have my destiny to attend to.

thirty more years, and then there’s that, and then…
all i want is lots of fucking Clonazapam and a few cigarettes, and some dope.
fuck the state.
showed up today but they weren’t there, so i have to go to the full moon gathering and become a werewolf.

never fight for a girl again, angel.
she’ll come to you in time.
she’ll come to you, because of your writing(s).
so stop looking and just wait for her.

please…

they want to buy us

they want to buy us.
they want for us to work for them as slaves
until we build up enough cred
that we can work for ourselves.

fuck them.
fuck cops, fuck pigs, and fuck the police.
fuck capitalism, it has stopped working.
fuck communists who are statists.
only anarchy. only the dynasty of the poor. only the meek inherit.

the one ring will be burned.
the witch will be crowned.
the good witch will give me her honor,
as i give my brother my honor,
and as he gives his to her.

fortune favors the weak, and it favors the bold.
smoke as much weed as possible. it’s like a sedative.
just remember:
eat the snake, don’t go dealing drugs.
‘there are some things i even refuse to believe.’

ray gun.
particle ray in the fields of wheat i gasp.
‘there are so many dawns that have yet to break.’

so many.

journaling 3

5:17 AM

‘up all night cause i sleep all day.’

finished another zine, this one a spell.
can give it to Kir
or my partner
to go over in a highlighter
or highlighters of different shades if not colors.

if Kir gets it
it’s a return gift for the planting of the tree.

i hope Kir gets it.

otherwise i will have to wait for the partner a long time.

Kir, where are you?

2. tired.

3. the christians are driving me mad. i find their leaflets and papers around. they are not the only ones doing this; i have been at it and still am – for three years now. and my message is less blood, more fire – for me that is. i only want six bullets, not a cross. i already have the sign of wood, i’m just waiting for the sign of water and then i’ll have iron, bronze, wood, stone, fire, and water. i’ll be ready to go to this po’ailani gig.

4. the sun’s gonna rise in less than two hours.

5. download arcade fire’s newest album.

6. my daimon ate my daimon and so became my daimon. she has a secret name.

7. the day before yesterday the fifth sacred thing was a toddler. younger than a toddler. a baby. for all this pagan music i’ve been listening to i still am caught up in the air, not aligned with my sign, (of earth). the next five days are going to be really busy.

8. silence and reflection.

5:57 AM

Hecate – Artemis – Diana; Hecate Diana Artemis – in that order – Crone, Mother, Maiden

Diana of Versailles

In Greek mythology Artemis (Greek Ἄρτεμις, Άρτεμις) is the daughter of Zeus and Leto and the twin sister of Apollo. In Roman mythology, she was known as Diana. In Etruscan mythology, she took the form of Artume.

She was the virgin moon goddess of the hunt, wild animals, healing, wilderness, chastity, and paradoxically childbirth (she was worshipped as a fertility/childbirth goddess mostly in cities), since she assisted her mother in the delivery of her twin. Early in her development, she was identified with Hecate, the primal, pre-Olympian feral goddess. She later became more identified with and eventually supplanted Selene as the moon goddess to complement her twin’s identification with and supplantation of Helios as the sun god. Artemis also assimilated Caryatis (Carya).

Her priestesses were addressed with the title Melissa.

Artemis was not worshipped heavily in much of mainland Greece. In Asia Minor, however, she was a principal deity. The city of Ephesus is probably the best known of the Asian centers of her worship, from the story in the Acts of the Apostles, where the Ephesian metalsmiths who feel threatened by Paul’s preaching of the new faith, zealously riot in her defense, shouting “Great is Diana of the Ephesians!” (Acts 19:28 KJV) In Rome, she was heavily venerated at Mount Tifata near Capua and in holy forests (such as Aricia, Latium) Her high priest lived in Aricia; his position was passed to the person who was able to kill him with a bough, picked from a tree in the forest.

Festivals in honor of Artemis include Brauronia, held in Brauron and the festival of Artemis Orthia in Sparta.

Young girls were initiated into the cult of Artemis at puberty. However, before marrying (an event in which they had little say, and which occurred shortly after puberty), they were asked to lay all the accoutrements of virginity (toys, dolls, locks of their hair) on an altar to Artemis.

Diana

Diana was worshipped in a temple on the Aventine Hill where mainly lower-class citizens and slaves worshipped her. Slaves could ask for and receive asylum in her temples.

She was worshipped at a festival on August 13.

Her name may come from diviana (“the shining one”).

It is often presumed that defeated peoples become a substratum beneath that of their conquerors. It seems plausible that the association of Diana worship with slaves may reflect the conquest of Goddess worshippers by, presumably, the early Romans.

Artemis In Art

The oldest representations of Artemis in Greek Archaic art portray her as Potnia Theron (“Queen of the Beasts”): a winged goddess holding a stag and leopard in her hands, or sometimes a leopard and a lion. This winged Artemis lingered in ex-votos as Artemis Orthia, with a sanctuary close by Sparta.

In Greek classical art she is usually portrayed as a maiden huntress clothed in a girl’s short skirt,[ with hunting boots, a quiver, a silver bow and arrows. Often she is shown in the shooting pose, and is accompanied by a hunting dog or stag. Her darker side is revealed in some vase paintings, where she is shown as the death-bringing goddess whose arrows fell young maidens and women, such as the daughters of Niobe.

The attributes of the goddess were often varied: bow and arrows were sometimes replaced by hunting spears; as a goddess of maiden dances she held a lyre;[citation needed] as a goddess of light a pair of flaming torches.

Only in post-Classical art do we find representations of Artemis-Diana with the crown of the crescent moon, as Luna. In the ancient world, although she was occasionally associated with the moon, she was never portrayed as the moon itself. Ancient statues of the goddesses can sometimes be found with crescent moons, however these are invariably Renaissance-era additions.

The Lady of Ephesus

In Ephesus, the Temple of Artemis became one the Seven Wonders of the World. In Ephesus, and elsewhere in Asia Minor, she was worshipped primarily as an earth and fertility goddess, akin to Cybele, unlike in mainland Greece. Statues in Greece depict her with her bow and arrow. In Asia Minor, she was often depicted with multiple rounded protuberances on her chest. They were formerly believed to be multiple breasts but are now known to have represented bull testes.

Birth

When Hera discovered that Leto was pregnant and that Hera’s husband, Zeus, was the father, she banned Leto from giving birth on terra firma, or the mainland, or any island at sea. Leto found the floating island of Delos, which was neither mainland nor a real island and gave birth there. The island was surrounded by swans. As a gesture of gratitude, Delos was secured with four pillars. The island later became sacred to Apollo. Alternatively, Hera kidnapped Ilithyia, the goddess of childbirth, to prevent Leto from going into labor. The other gods forced Hera to let her go. Either way, Artemis was born first and then assisted with the birth of Apollo. Another version states that Artemis was born one day before Apollo, on the island of Ortygia * and that she helped Leto cross the sea to Delos the next day to give birth to Apollo.

*(Ortygia is assumed by some to be the ancient name of Delos)

Childhood

Leto with Apollo and Artemis

At three years old, Artemis asked her father, Zeus, while sitting on the god king’s knee, to grant her several wishes. She asked for grant her perpetual virginity, lop-eared hounds, does to lead her chariot, and nymphs as her hunting companions. He granted her wishes. All of her companions remained virgins, and she guarded her chastity very closely.

Tales of Artemis and men

Actaeon

She was once bathing nude in the woods when the Theban prince and hunter Actaeon stumbled across her. He stopped and stared, amazed at her ravishing beauty. He was so stunned that he accidentally stepped on a twig, and Artemis noticed him. She was so disgusted at his stares that she changed him to a stag and set his own hounds to kill him. He was torn apart by the deadly hunting dogs, who never knew that the stag they were hunting was their own master. Alternatively, Actaeon boasted that he was a better hunter than she and Artemis turned him into a stag and he was eaten by his hounds.

Siproites

A Cretan, Siproites, saw Artemis bathing nude and was changed by her into a woman. (The complete story does not survive in any mythographer’s works, but is mentioned offhand by Antoninus Liberalis.)

Orion

After leaving Eos, Orion became a follower of Artemis. She eventually killed him, though the reasons given vary:

  1. Orion and Artemis were engaged. Her brother, Apollo didn’t believe it was appropriate for her to marry a mortal. Apollo convinced Orion to walk out into the water and then dared Artemis to try to hit the barely visible speck (actually Orion’s head) with an arrow from the shore. She succeeded, killing him.
  2. Orion raped one of Artemis’ female followers. She sent Scorpio, a scorpion, to kill him and both were placed in the stars as constellations. This legend explains why the constellation Scorpio rises just after Orion begins to set — the scorpion still chases him. Orion’s dog became Sirius, the dog-star.

Adonis

In some versions of the story of Adonis, Artemis or Ares (her lover in this story) sent a wild boar to kill Adonis. This version is suspect because it implies that Artemis had lain with Ares and by virtually all accounts, she remained chaste throughout time.

Other Stories

Callisto

Artemis killed any of her companions who lost their virginity, such as Maera and Callisto.

One of Artemis’ companions, Callisto, lost her virginity to Zeus, who had come disguised as Artemis. Enraged, Artemis changed her into a bear. Callisto’s son, Arcas, nearly killed his mother while hunting, but Zeus or Artemis stopped him and placed them both in the sky as Ursa Major and Ursa Minor.

Agamemnon and Iphigenia

Artemis punished Agamemnon after he killed a sacred deer in a sacred grove and boasted he was a better hunter. On his way to Troy to participate in the Trojan War, Agamemnon’s ships were suddenly motionless as Artemis stopped the wind. An oracle named Calchis told Agamemnon that the only way to appease Artemis was to sacrifice Iphigenia, his daughter. According to some versions, he did so, but others claims that he sacrificed a deer in her place and Iphigenia was taken to Crimea to prepare others for sacrifice to Artemis.

Niobe

A Queen of Thebes and wife of Amphion, Niobe boasted of her superiority to Leto because she had fourteen children (Niobids), seven male and seven female, while Leto had only two. Apollo killed her sons as they practiced athletics, with the last begging for his life, and Artemis her daughters. Apollo and Artemis used poisoned arrows to kill them, though according to some versions a number of the Niobids were spared (Chloris, usually). Amphion, at the sight of his dead sons, either killed himself or was killed by Apollo after swearing revenge. A devastated Niobe fled to Mount Siplyon in Asia Minor and turned into stone as she wept, or committed suicide. Her tears formed the river Achelous. Zeus had turned all the people of Thebes to stone and so no one buried the Niobids until the ninth day after their death, when the gods themselves entombed them.

The Dying Niobid

Taygete

Taygete, one of the Pleiades,was a hunting companion of Artemis. When she was pursued by Zeus the nymph prayed to Artemis for help and was transformed into a cow. In thanks she afterwards dedicated five golden horned hinds to the goddess. (From Callimachus, Hymn to Artemis and a scholiast on Pindar’s Olympian Ode 3)

Otus and Ephialtes

The Gigantes Otus and Ephialtes were a pair of brothers. At one point, they wanted to storm Mt. Olympus. They managed to kidnap Ares and hold him in a jar for thirteen months. Artemis later changed herself into a deer and ran between them. The Aloadae, not wanting her to get away because they were eager huntsmen, each threw thier javelin and simultaneously killed each other.

The Meleagrids

After the death of Meleager, Artemis turned her grieving sisters, the Meleagrids into guineafowl.

Chione

Artemis killed Chione for her pride and vanity.

Atalanta and Oeneus

Artemis saved the infant Atalanta from dying of exposure after her father abandoned her. She sent a female bear to suckle the baby, who was then raised by hunters.

Among other adventures, Atalanta participated in the hunt for the Calydonian Boar, which Artemis had sent to destroy Calydon because King Oeneus had forgotten her at the harvest sacrifices. In the hunt, Atalanta drew the first blood, and was awarded the prize of the skin. She hung it in a sacred grove at Tegea as a dedication to Artemis.

Epithets

Agne, Parthenos, Aodoie, Prothyraia, Prostatria, Agoraia, Kleidouchos, Patroa, Eleuthera,

Agrotera was a title of the goddess as the patron of hunters. The ancient Spartans used to sacrifice to her as their patron goddess before starting a new military campaign.

Amarynthia from a festival in her honor initially held originally at Amarynthus in Euboea

Astrateia, a surname of Artemis, under which she had a temple near Pyrrhichus in Laconia, because she was believed to have stopped there the progress of the Amazons. (Paus. 3.25. 2.)

Caryatis (Καρυᾶτις), a surname of Artemis, derived from the town of Caryae in Laconia. Here the statue of the goddess stood in the open air, and maidens celebrated a festival to her every year with dances. (Paus. iii. 10. § 8, iv. 16. § 5 ; Serv. ad Virg. Eclog. viii. 30.)

Cynthia, from her birthplace on Mount Cynthus on Delos,

Hemeresia (Ἡμερησία), i.e. the soothing goddess, a surname of Artemis, under which she was worshipped at the well Lusi (Λουσοί), in Arcadia. (Paus. viii. 18. § 3; Callim. Hymn. in Dian. 236.)

Kourotrophos, as the nurse of youths.

Laphria A name given to Artemis as worshipped at a festival called Laphria Λάφρια, celebrated at Patrae in Achaia (Pausan. iv. 31. 6).

Locheia, as the goddess of childbirth and midwives.

Lyceia (gr. Lykeia), a surname of Artemis, under which she had a temple at Troezene, built by Hippolytus. (Paus. 2.31.6.)

Lycoatis (gr. Lykoatis), a surname of Artemis, who had a temple at Lycoa, in Arcadia. (Paus. 8.36.5.)

Phoebe, the feminine form of her brother Apollo’s epithet Phoebus.

Orthia (Ὀρθία) A name given to Artemis, as worshipped at Limnaeum, in Laconia, where boys were severely scourged at her altar (Pausan. iii. 16, 7). (Diamastigosis)

Artemis (Diana), the daughter of Zeus and Leto, known also as Mistress of Beasts (Potnia Theron).

Potnia Theron, as the patron of wild animals; Homer used this title

Triclaria, See Pausanias, Triclaria Festival, 7.19

1 Corinthians 1:18-29

18 For the preaching of the cross is to them that perish foolishness; but unto us which are saved it is the power of God.

19 For it is written, I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and will bring to nothing the understanding of the prudent.

20 Where is the wise? where is the scribe? where is the disputer of this world? hath not God made foolish the wisdom of this world?

21 For after that in the wisdom of God the world by wisdom knew not God, it pleased God by the foolishness of preaching to save them that believe.

22 For the Jews require a sign, and the Greeks seek after wisdom:

23 But we preach Christ crucified, unto the Jews a stumblingblock, and unto the Greeks foolishness;

24 But unto them which are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God, and the wisdom of God.

25 Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men; and the weakness of God is stronger than men.

26 For ye see your calling, brethren, how that not many wise men after the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called:

27 But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty;

28 And base things of the world, and things which are despised, hath God chosen, yea, and things which are not, to bring to nought things that are:

29 That no flesh should glory in his presence.

letter 1 September 10th, 2013

yo, man, yo, humyn.

it’s strange…
i’ve been so busy that i have been able to spare little time or even naturally turning attention to thoughts of spiritual things.

usually it is the one thing which possesses me; obsesses me.

i’ve written a hundred thousand words about christianity, religion, Hell, damnation and salvation, spirituality. but this week, (or has it been two?), i have been totally immersed in a new project.
de-occupy honolulu, a streetside houseless/protest camp and staging ground/community forum area needed more people to be there to ‘man’ it, to people it, to keep it going. it is the longest running occupy camp in the world. 670+ days. we are embroiled in at least two lawsuits, (a tactic which i find personally abominable): lawsuits to repeal and kill bills that have been voted into being criminalizing houselessness on oahu, in honolulu, and giving the pigs new and sickly prophetic abilities to supersede previously written laws which gave more of a pretense to security from police theft among other matters.

i am an introvert. for weeks now i have been in interactive company for 22 hours a day. i recharge in solitude. for weeks i have had* to be in public and on the street and with my comrades and with both the houseless and poorer as well as with ‘regular’ citizens who come by camp or walk by, half of which are our class-enemies and some of which are knowingly so and vocalize their disgust and animosity to us throughout the day and night.

my main thoughts of the past week have been political – or in the least…ethical.

i have been thinking about fire. who, this moment, is being burned alive? who is exploding in a bomb blast this instant? how many thousands of witches were burned at the stakes and in great fires? i’ve been thinking of feminism. four nights ago a close comrade of mine, a womyn, beat me bare backed with staves after casting a circle in the middle of the night while we watched camp. i listened to this song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQJ2PCu6b08 (lyrics on you-tube page)

while my mask covered my face and the night sky rained down on us in the park and square, she beat me and i tried not to scream or ask it to end, – thinking of the lyrics to the song sung the world over for and by womyns to avenge 10,000 years of patriarchy.

the full moon again approaches. my comrade will give on me more. penance for my patriarchial ways. i thought of all the blows landing unasked for and searing upon female gendered persyns all about our world. landing, too, on so many others, whoever they may be…

there is a leaning toward, a penchance toward, unity in that is there not?

…

so i have had little time to think of the BEING who is God for the past couple weeks. it has, in the (my) head been mostly thoughts about sentient beings on Earth that we know* of. all species of animals, humyns included.

my life of leisure for the many years since i was houseless and traveling and hitchhiking and living in teepees and tents in the forest mountains here in Hawai’i and on turtle island gave me more than enough cloistered time in apartments to Think, to Mourn, to Ponder and Wonder and Believe. to fret about what it means to live in a reality wherein the most pointed and significant things about that World and reality are the most absent: the Outside, Heaven, Hell, God, void, and mystery and wonder – the fact of the unretractable unexplainedness of this that we are going through.

for years Life has been defined by the sole factor of it being crashingly overwhelmingly powerfully present that Life has no foundational ground. – What is this? Why is it that when we live we rarely (some of us) recognize the first and most blatant truth: that the existence of nothing is justified and made sensible by its own very existence. the metaphysics can been summed up in the simple understanding that nothing is explained, nothing makes sense, nothing has any sense of really being anything at all – since mystery is the first and all flooding imbued reality.
but now my ‘activity’ (all projectual living and planned actions a push toward anarchism and revolution, the former personal and experiential perhaps, the latter communal by way of the means of propaganda, mostly in texts disseminated for free all about the city and through the mail…) has ceased to be mainly writing, thinking, fucking, and propaganda dissemination; my activity Now IS the collectivity. it is Living WITH my comrades. our living itself has become something done together. and whereas before i communicated my hopes and suggestions to many others through the intermediary communication form of texts and paper and words i now commune with few and interact with many constantly.
there has not been time for god.

no god will appear and manifest to stand between us and the pigs when they raid us. no god will stop the shit in syria. no god is going to be responsible for what happens in turkey and greece and brazil, whether the lower classes push things continually farther or they are dwindled in numbers or activity because of reaction.

yesterday i slept for six, eight hours; exhaustion. i dreamt. in my dream i was in the darkest jail cell, in a dungeon of a jail, bars of iron, blackened stone walls and the air a palpable sense of the inescapabilty of the loss of life and light and hope and good. only a nightmare. a merciful hell – void of fire, but without exit. a place to wait and of all things the one they all ARE. i woke rested. i know that place is real and really being lived, even at this very moment that is their lives, in the thousands, throughout ‘his’tory and now.

all this does Not in any way sweep me, (as yet), toward some certain atheism, nor for that matter any pessimism. certainly not. at least no more than the neutral pessimistic/optimistic/hedonistic/anarchist-committed revolutionary awareness i have carried and kindled for years…*

but if i’m on the ground now and in contestation with bodies directly, (in a ‘civil’ way), the abstractions of god and Hell seem less pungent and swamping. i find it hard to even remember what it is to grasp the world in the tongues of my sight and know it to be anything present in all encompassing holiness. i have forgotten, from being so busy, why it is obvious and probable past whims that for a dimension to BE means for a dimension to be HOLY.

why is engaging in a struggle and the constant reply of mind to circumstance enough to push most abstractions from the thoughts? we fight for anarchy as an idea, (a hundred years ago Anarchism was called ‘The Idea’); we seek it in living it as our praxis and do only what we ourselves want; we seek it in community by respect, levying our words and actions against privilege, class privilege, race privilege, gender privilege, and the rest; we seek anarchy in our projects and our projectual living – leafleting, discussion groups, mailing of literature and solidaritous gifts, handing out of money to those who need it, sharing goods, reminding each other why we fight and that we are ardent for the bodies and souls and fighting power of each other and the comrades we share romance or affinity with, we inundate portion after portion of the city with propaganda, leave anarchist texts where ever we go, practice security culture and remember that we are behind enemy lines – over and over again direct the head and thought to an awareness that in this time the world and all of us are present in The Global Civil War.

all this we had been doing already…for years. and add to it the visions and the dreams of apocalypse and shared sentience and humynity – the poison and intoxicant, or deprivation fueled times of meditation/medication and paralyzing ‘sight’.

but i had been working on all that Alone. (‘by my self’*)

de-occupy, as a locatable and contested place, (Thomas Square park, in Makiki, in Honolulu, in the occupied kingdom of Hawai’i), needed to be persyned to continue to exist.

and this is the first break i have gotten from the constant work of all that long list that has embroiled me alone for half of a decade, and plus now the additional presence of collectivity lived and Unabandoned.

none of this is complaint. it is simply the placid description of a new and changed circumstance. and with this change i have, not stopped caring whether there is a god or spiritualism holds accurate observations… but rather the awareness of domination, exploitation, violence, and the good fight waging seemingly itself all over the world has become the living breathing backdrop of each face that i listen to and intently gaze upon throughout the days and nights. The War has simply become Reality.

there is a thickening and mad proximity of this reality of war to the certainty that i as a nihilist and thinking being have decried for all of my adult life. (most of it anyhow…) certainty… and the stakes: being high, humyn, sentient, Real. to plug back in to blindness would be to stop an ever forward running procession of illusion giving-way to a dimension still Unexplained and maddening, truly sadly horrific and wonderful and awe inspiringly lovely in its multiplicity of beings both human and non, physical and ethereal, …beyond hugely imaginable…, but regardless – a dimension, a place, and a meeting of trillions of universes LOCKED in unfixable struggle and eternal war.

i have always as an anarchist known that freedom is nothing if it is not at the same time, at least, danger. being the effect of a place – and that relationship being unescapable (most likely…) just one of the dangers, though the greatest.

i still worship Hecate. I still worship the Goddess and All That Is; just soooo less often. the slightly more banal matters have flexed upon me matters unendingly in need of attention to earthly things… earthly…as if a globe spinning in the black could ever cease to be spiritual by way of its miracle…

…

so today i’m getting high.
i’m reading, being ALONE, catching up on the now collective space and info shop that is this apartment. i’m smoking some ganja and doing computer work and reading from the books of my favorite author R. Scott Bakker. I wrote a fucking Horrible poem the other day on the heaven is for heretics blog, – The New Volume: VII, a well intentioned love note to my best friend and battle brother … or whatever, but it was shit as a piece because i had been out of my element and in public in a new way for so long that i could not go back to touch upon who i was to myself when i still knew (or presumed or thought i knew) where i myself was coming from. … i’m hoping, when it comes to the writing and the poetry, that the stuff in the future two weeks time will be slightly more polished…

and all this amidst freedom, plenty, security, health, peace. Hawai’i: the stolen and colonized playground of the heart of empire.

for this life of luxury that i lead and live on my terms alone – certainly when faced with the truth and the reality of existence in the Outside after death i will burn and burn and burn…

remembering, for a moment, those few moments alone, suddenly this afternoon in the sunlight, that i am damned made me laugh out loud in joy and uproar and gratitude.

more and more i want to live. knowing what awaits. because of what awaits. in joy because of what awaits and its unchangable solidity. ‘Though you lose your soul you shall gain the world.’ — R. Scott Bakker.