Category Archives: journaling

Journaling 8

i don’t know what is going on.

i have been trying my best, to make sense of all this, but it makes little sense.  Should i go wait for her every morning like i did before?  But i’m a partnered man now.

whatever…  I don’t know what to do anymore.  i just did what i do best; but i’m still unfulfilled.

find an apartment?  make love to my partner?  the power of the question?  i gave sam half of my power; it was a gift.  no take backs.

2. i’m tired.

3. i got to get meatloaf tattooed on my knuckles.

4. this is for Australia: It Is Finished.

5. i feel dead, but i’m alive.  What does this mean?

6. salvation for Lucifer.

7. and satan and samael.

8. Forever.

9. Tech got me in.

9. anarchy for the win.

journaling 7

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2 NagasakiFires

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my whole life is unraveling and spooling into a new skein.

 

I have to call the program on monday and maybe go into it.  i think i’m ready.

 

i’m giving my roommates till the twenty fifth to move out.  meanwhile i will help them find a place to live.  that’s my project for the next two weeks, along with writing.  and shopping.  i need:

1. a hat.

2. Doxiderol, 30 count.

3. tobacco.

4. copies of some of my zines.

5. repair on my typewriter.* (maybe)

i just called out favors from about 15 people… cause i’m practically broke.

got to get out and get shit done.

2 projects:

a) get shit and get shit working and done.

b) find an apartment for my two roommates and our dog.

and

c) organize my apartment

and

d) get into the program.

Journaling 6

i’m doing really good.

i was going to go to a dual diagnosis treatment facility; and it’s funny, cause the persyn that calls me their best friend, my best friend i guess, was going to get into rehab too, but they didn’t get in and i jump-kicked through hoop after hoop to get into this dual diagnosis clinic treatment place – one that could help me get off of fake dopamine and also treat me according to my scitzo-affective diagnosis, but after i did everything that was required they told me i had to wait another month to stabilize more before going in.  which is stupid.

so the two people that have been kindof taking watch care over me are one of my comrades and The Mother; and i talked to The Mother and this is what i said: i said that i didn’t want and don’t want to go to a treatment facility where i have to go to group activities all day for three months.  I am an isolationist.  I’m an introvert.  i might learn from it but it would drain me and i don’t want to spend three months around people that i don’t know doing things that i don’t want to do in groups.  on top of that the medicine that The Doctor has me on is bad for me and wrong.  i called them and scheduled an appointment for this thursday at 2:00 so that i can switch medicines.  I want to be on gabapentin, clonazapam, and ritalin; but i talked to a dude, (i’ve been talking to people in public a lot, partly to get away from my roommates, spending more time outside the apt. – but more on that in a bit) and this dude recommended some kindof better version of ritalin that you can buy off of amazon dot com.  so i’m gonna get it next month and start taking it and see if it can give me focus and energy.

so long story short i am not, (probably), going to go to treatment.  I don’t want to be around people 24/7 and i don’t want to waste my time and i don’t want to get off drugs.

but: —– i need structure in my life, and it’s time to DO something about it.  i spent my twenties doing whatever the fuck i wanted and i am happy about that but my body and mind and life are in kindof shabby conditions.  I talked to a case manager for the first time yesterday to ask for advice and they told me something brilliant. “Discipline is doing things that you don’t want to do.”  I had never put that together before.  it’s time for me to start doing things that i don’t want to do at all; cause they’re good for me.  but i won’t want to do them, and i have to start doing things that i don’t want to.  i don’t know why that never made sense to me before but it didn’t, and it does now.

so i’ve decided that i want to go back to college.  I have to do the fafsa and sign up for the pell grant and enroll and all that shit, but i am going to go back to college and get my AA and then move on to a four year school.

2. i am seeing someone and it is making me really happy.

3. i got fucked up yesterday, last night, and i’m still fucked up and i’m really happy about it.

4. by the end of the month i am going to have my own space.  by april i will have my own space, whether that is in this place or somewhere new with my comrades; but if i am still living here it is going to be ALONE.  starting april.  end of discussion.

5. my teeth are in really shitty shape.  got to get a lot of work done on them.  I brush them three times a day now.  i have to cut back on my smoking too.

6. i got a girl’s number a few nights ago.  first time i’ve ever done that.  me and my paramour are poly, we decided today over breakfast, so i might call up this girl and say what’s up, or however it is said.  but: —- i really like the persyn i am seeing now, and don’t want it to change much.

7. i have like four new zines, and new ideas for two more new ones.  i’ll be going to college to learn how to write and to be able to teach eventually.

8. i need money like mad. fuckin broke.

9. other than all that it is looking up; not depressed and feeling chipper and swell, coming out of a fog and happy about it.

10. i’ll take a nap now.

 

p.s. Bakker is done with The Unholy Consult.  Stoked!!!!!  i can’t wait.

journaling 4

went on a date with the witch. it was fuckin horrible. teeth rotting out of my head. my sister, who i love like no one but my dead twin, is pissed at me, cause i’m gonna get a fucking motorcycle, which is what my dad died on six months ago. i stopped fucking caring. not about my dad, just – these people. who do they think i am? they don’t care, and you know what, i don’t either. i miss skye. i crippled my arm getting high as shit at a bacchanal. it’ll be weeks or so before it’s better. teach her how to read tarot, when what i really want is to get married – to someone, anyone. a girl. a womyn. didn’t mean for the date to go so shitty, but i got too stoned.

2. getting too stoned is the cause of all my problems. i love you. wrong: volcano.

3. made a potion today. a little witchcraft a day keeps the demons away. i might be the craziest, but you fuckers are certainly pretty fuckin crazy.

4. need money.

5. can’t go into the ‘treatment’ program until i get my affairs in order at the beginning of next month. fuck everyone.

-finis-

journaling 3

5:17 AM

‘up all night cause i sleep all day.’

finished another zine, this one a spell.
can give it to Kir
or my partner
to go over in a highlighter
or highlighters of different shades if not colors.

if Kir gets it
it’s a return gift for the planting of the tree.

i hope Kir gets it.

otherwise i will have to wait for the partner a long time.

Kir, where are you?

2. tired.

3. the christians are driving me mad. i find their leaflets and papers around. they are not the only ones doing this; i have been at it and still am – for three years now. and my message is less blood, more fire – for me that is. i only want six bullets, not a cross. i already have the sign of wood, i’m just waiting for the sign of water and then i’ll have iron, bronze, wood, stone, fire, and water. i’ll be ready to go to this po’ailani gig.

4. the sun’s gonna rise in less than two hours.

5. download arcade fire’s newest album.

6. my daimon ate my daimon and so became my daimon. she has a secret name.

7. the day before yesterday the fifth sacred thing was a toddler. younger than a toddler. a baby. for all this pagan music i’ve been listening to i still am caught up in the air, not aligned with my sign, (of earth). the next five days are going to be really busy.

8. silence and reflection.

5:57 AM

journaling 2

first:

someone snuck into my apartment tonight. they’re laying next to me right now. it’s 3 am. i’m full, full of shit, and tired. smoked ganja all friday night and all saturday. waiting for my wife. might as well stay up, since i think she is one of two girls. and one of them might be at the bus stop in 5 or so hours. feel disgusted with myself, but that’s not new; i’m just alone again. – sugar left. it’s finally done between us.

2. i’m waiting till the full moon to go turn myself in to the rehab place; the place where everyone but i want me to go. i have listened so much that i am pretty sure that i want to be there too, but still, this is the first i have been alone without a comrade in too long, i forgot what it is like.

3. i hate pressing pause on my mp3 player. i just read a comic, stoned, about the Joker dieing. i can’t think of the world trade center anymore – it’s all i can think about when i’m interacting with my A.I.

4. working on a new zine. the other night drank gin and wounded the work. but i ain’t got anything else to do, so i’ma gonna work, cause quitting’s for quitters.

journaling 1

how to start?

i finished Girding for War # 12 tonight. All that is left is for two pictures to be glued to it and then ink bought and copies made.

2. I have to find a copy of Meatloaf’s Hell in a Handbasket and bny it.

3. Nickels are the only metal money that is worth more than it’s value. So i think i am going to go to the bank and get around $50 worth of nickels, and make the most important purchases with those. They are worth seven cents each.

4. i repierced my bottom lip, in the two demon bite spikes that used to be with me all the time. It feels good. And i’m glad i did it; symbolic of not hurting Anne Frank again. I thought i saw her at the show last night, and well…who knows. But she seemed to be disgusted with me, so i have had to make a decision, and this was it.

5. Other things.

6. i’ve been sending out presents. to myself and to others here, and to others in the mail, far away, across the ocean. i’ve also given out all thirteen copies of the original thirteen of The Patriarch, which i finished and will post here. I have thirteen more printed out and will send them in the mail and given them out to special persons who are of the other coven. A copy of The Matriarch and The Patriarch both for my college English professor.

7. my ex partner might be coming back to the islands. i cut her a door, and will leave it open. i wish to see her, but it will be as it should…

8. i think i met my true love last night. but don’t want to scare her off. might (might) have a date with her on monday. i fucking hope.

9. i feel good.