i will make you socks

hi.

i don’t think anyone reads this.

but if anyone is reading through this aside from myself, hi.

now. listening to light bearer. about to move back out on the streets. going off my medication cause i think it makes me suck. i think i have to live alone, too. it’s what was on the back of my dad’s paper…

so, back to the streets. my mom thinks i’m going to die before her. i might. shit i have been reading and watching recently has been rather bleak. but i’m gonna try and fight through it. without the medication, cause i might need it sometimes, and sometimes i do and it helps me not totally lose my mind, but fuck it. it’s time to live, yo! i’ve been fucked up about an old lover. fuck, many old lovers. the only person that’s consistent in my life is James, (I love you James!), and i guess my sister since she just told me to remember that she always loves me. i don’t get it. you try so fucking hard for a break and it comes and comes and comes and then it just comes some more. i get soooo fucking lucky. i’m lucky to be alive, and by that i mean free and strong. i’m lucky to have my wits about me again. I fucking love sam, but there’s no fucking way that their going to see me and there’s no fucking way i’m going to try and see them. my teeth are gone. i’m getting the last ones from my bottom carved out on thursday. i’m grinding the ones left over like they’re going to fall out, but they’re not. oh yeah, and fuck game of thrones. Bakker’s better and anyway, fuck that story cause if someone’s not getting raped they’re getting killed. fuckin reality, why do you have to suck so bad for so many people? it’s fucking stupid. this can be my death note for all that matters. so while i’m at it, mom i love you and skye – well, i still love you too, so deal with it. and steven, thanks for being there at the end.

now, if it’s not my death note, which i hope it’s not, then come here and i will tell you my plan…

I plan on moving back to the streets, writing The Heresiarch, listening to a lot of light bearer, and planning on how i am going to bring meatloaf back to the fold. i saw a guy on the bus about four or so months ago. or more. he was going to the hospital and wanted to be dropped off right in front of it even though he could have walked five blocks to get there way before. i said something to him cause he said something about rock and roll, or i did or something, and then i told him i was going to get meatloaf tattooed on my knuckles. if it’s not for Tolemy it’s gotta be for meatloaf himself, since it’s already for my dad. and this dude on the bus was like, ‘fuck meatloaf! he’s not a rock and roller anymore!’ or no, what he said was, ‘meatloaf doesn’t believe in rock and roll anymore.’ or something.

that sucks.

meatloaf fucking rules and i don’t know why he stopped believing in rock and roll, but even though i think it was two things, that he bought and mansion and is now rich, which is death according to will oldham and i believe him, or else meatloaf just feel in love and so hard to settle down with some foxy broad, i don’t know. i would place my money on him falling for someone and settling down, cause i know in his heart that rock and roll will never die, but he would seriously do anything for love except move on (that’s really what the songs about sam…) so i think he fell in love and then decided that a life with him or her was too good to keep short and was more careful and shit. which, i’ll admit, kinda sucks. i saw him over my dad’s shoulder in a rockumentary commentary on rocky horror and he was so fucking calm, and my dad was seemingly saying to me, see, even rock and roll heroes take a chill pill and sit out the last innings. when the going gets you really fucking tired and you don’t want to rock anymore, then you fucking quit rocking. right? yeah, but my dad died on a fucking motorcycle. where’s my fucking motorcycle?

oh, and, from now on i’m a vegan. i’m sick of eating the flesh of those weaker than me and i thought my soul mate was being put through a meat grinder once and on top of all that it’s just gross and really really mean. why the fuck do we eat other people? isn’t that what the movie noah is all about, the question of why we fucking eat other people? what’s wrong with us.

it’s gonna suck to get my teeth pulled outta my head. but at least i’ll have light bearer.

that’s all i have to write for now. i’ll be back, since i’m high as fuck, and can’t stop crunching my teeth, but i have to pack tonight and get ready and shit and i want a cigarette. fucking shit rock and roll never dies. long live anarchy!!

-0-

i’m on a quest now.

i have to find my wife. it’s a quest.

i don’t know the nature of a quest, except:

1. you have to go to far off places.
2. there are dragons.
3. a fair maiden has to be rescued, even if she’s a feminist and you’re a feminist, she probably still has a problem or something that you can help her out with.
4. you make friends along the way that join your roving band of merry questers.
5. it requires less the knowledge of what you’re doing and more just that you have the heart and the gumption for it.

that’s about it. oh, and magic’s involved.

so i’m going on a quest. to find my wife.

there’s a couple preliminaries:

a. i have to get my teeth fixed.
b. i have to clean my room and get down to fighting weight, i.e. get rid of most of my possessions.
c. i need to get the rest of my tattoos, the ones on my knuckles and the ones on my shoulders.
d. i have to spend my money wisely and save most of it.

meanwhile i’ll be reading a lot of BOOKS.

that’s about it.
i think i’m going on the quest with Morning, my old love, and maybe to find them their husband too.
wish me luck…

thomas